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How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

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At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken. Imagine how different things would be if we paid more attention to this unique emotional pain. Psychologist Guy Winch reveals how recovering from heartbreak starts with a determination to fight our instincts to idealize and search for answers that aren't there -- and offers a toolkit on how to, eventually, move on. Our hearts might sometimes be broken, but we don't have to break with them. Check out more TED Talks: http://www.ted.com The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. Follow TED on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/TEDTalks Like TED on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TED Subscribe to our channel: https://www.youtube.com/TED
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Text Comments (2363)
vishal shelake (2 hours ago)
Held hostage by our own passive agressive Spotify playlist...😀😀😀
Arda Şivka (6 hours ago)
I need to this video
Ash362 T (12 hours ago)
Getting over my girlfriend of 15 months. We had a toxic relationship. However we loved each other a lot. But she won’t take me back. So I guess if I love her I’ll have to leave her alone. Unless she ever contacts me again. She’s blocked me on everything
Jon Alonzo (14 hours ago)
What if u have a child with someone
MrBranBe (16 hours ago)
After a divorce, I fell in love with a girl 11 years younger than me. Being with her was truly the absolute greatest time of my life without question when things were good. The problem was that she was very bipolar and would one day love me and hate me the next.  She broke up with me 15 times in one year. Sometimes for small issues like the brand of washing machine I bought us. She moved in with me and moved out 2 days later over nothing. I loved her so I chased. She would say the worst things to me. She would come back. When she was sick I carried her in my arms to a stretcher, I wheeled her around in a chair at Mayo. When sick she adored me, when healthy she hated me. I didn't care, I was in love and still am. Eventually, during a breakup she openly mocked me with a male co-worker (he was trying to get in her pants and maybe did).  After a three-month breakup I met another girl. She was nice, kind and sweet but I wanted my bipolar queen. I went back to her again. She admitted to doing some things that broke my heart; we argued and that turned into a manufactured restraining order against me. I still forgive her. I still love her. As f'd up as it is, I would go back to her again. The pain I feel without her is beyond catastrophic. No amount of alcohol can even numb the pain. Lack of sleep and anxiety rule my day-to-day in her absence. I often feel like I could die without her and honestly, that could actually happen. Why do our brains allow us to become so hopelessly lost in other people? Nobody should ever have to experience this kind of pain.
Steve Y (17 hours ago)
I’ve just broke up with my gf . Weren’t together that long but we were like best friends I love her very much . But I couldn’t trust her she was on dating sites etc and her friends were extremely sly , felt like they were always up to something . All I can imagine in my head now is her sleeping with people every night is this normal ?
Carlos Colon (17 hours ago)
I realized along time ago that time doesn’t heal a broken heart but that I had to make a personal effort now or keep on suffering because of it . broken heart 💔 or not I will keep moving forward to the next beautiful moment with a happy playlist along the way 🎶🙂
Angel Dively (1 day ago)
Why am I still having issues after a year and a half? Ive never struggled like this before. And the relationship was a disaster. Makes no sense. I don't do social media stalking.. I don't look at old pictures.. I try to block it out. But I feel like I'll never get over this until I find someone else. And I don't want to date right now.
Adrian Miller (1 day ago)
What if you dont want to move on...what if you want to stay in love with that soul and hope for a future?
Mya Lavallie (1 day ago)
I was with my boy-.....ex for almost five years. We really did love each other and still do. It seems like nobody talks about when a relationship goes well and you care for one another...,but it still ends 😭😢
Julia (2 hours ago)
It's sucks,but always happen this
Very smart man .so true.
iamnotfernando (2 days ago)
After 4 years I was blindsided. She was already seeing someone else and no chance of getting back together. I had a knot in my stomach for 7 months, lost 20 pounds and did nothing but work, feed the dog and sleep. Deep despair and anger for 3 years. I talked to no one. Took at least a year for me to laugh at anything or pretend it didn't bother me. It's been 7 years now and I stopped missing her but still get angry. Not enough to commit murder but if she died I would be the happiest guy at the funeral. Otherwise I'm a really nice person.
twinkle pandey (2 days ago)
It feels like i have spoked to my father
Tejal Vijay Gawas (2 days ago)
❤️ This is so perfect! Just can't get better ❤️⚡💥
Ralph Pussilano (2 days ago)
TO THE BROKEN HEARTS remember. THIS TO SHALL PASS!!
Muhammad Ali Jawed (2 days ago)
Well said!!
Julia H63 (2 days ago)
I’m speechless.
nubsu (2 days ago)
im already tracer
Leif Levang (2 days ago)
You need something.. icecream
Michael Colun (3 days ago)
"Temporarily lower our IQ" That explains a lot
Dave Blvnko (3 days ago)
funny thing is on all of my realtionships i knew at the beginnign they wont work out but after a while u kind of get rid of that feeling... and then 5 years later u notice this feeling was right!
Is there a pill you can take to shut down all your emotions - like essentially turn you into a sociopath? Because I would pop those like candy right now!
hyperchord (3 days ago)
So in other words when your mind is telling you to run away from the burning house, you need to run towards it
georgiiii1000 (3 days ago)
This is all well and good but by listening to this talk it sounds like we should be prepared for the fact that none of relationships may last the test of time and that we should be prepared to move on from anyone. Yet this to me is an incredibly depressing thought because I want to spend my life with someone and I listened to people say well you have to be prepared to for the fact that that might not happen. Here’s my problem I kinda feel like a life spent without someone is a life not worth living (not a cry for help just a view). I can think of no thought more depressing than not getting to grow old with someone. No thought more depressing than growing old alone. It’s a thought powerful enough to bring me to my knees and no matter what I do I can’t shake it. Sure I can wipe the thought from my mind by force through meditation but it always creeps back in. Honestly if I get to be 90 and have spent my life without a patterned I’m going to be on my death bed wishing I’d never been born. It’s like a waste of 90 years.
mekman4 (3 days ago)
Society also weaponizes love. Fantastic talk!
god is woman (4 days ago)
I love this video 😍 it helps me so much . It's over I have to LET IT GO 😳
Alexander Acorn (4 days ago)
Best 12 minutes ive ever spent on YouTube. It's amazing how it feels like he's speaking specifically to me in so many ways. It serves as a reminder that were not alone in this, and even tho we may not be able to comprehend it, life will turn out ok. 😃
Joyce Burke (4 days ago)
Miraculous that this showed up right now in my feed
IfShe13Im13 (4 days ago)
If you feel sad n low just remember that it be like that sometimes
Guided By Angels (4 days ago)
I love the humor, great vid x
Rohit Wagh (4 days ago)
Is it okay to meet and be friends with the person who broke your heart when you're recovering?
Chelsea Hardy (4 days ago)
Throughout my adult life, my serious relationships have always ended because they were unhealthy and dysfunctional. I would hold on until it got to a point where I couldn't hang on any longer and I could completely justify, in my mind, why I had to let them go (cheating, emotional abuse, etc.). I am, for the first time, having to end the most healthy and honest relationship that I have ever experienced. My mind wants to feel hopeless, like there will never be anyone that will love me and I will forever be a single mom, all alone...just like my mom has been for the last 15 years. My heart feels so battered and torn, that at the moment I'm not sure what I will have left to give to someone else. You can do all of the right things, but that doesn't mean the pain and hurt will go away. When you build your life around someone and you become intertwined with them, how can it not hurt when you have to cut that tie loose? The best thing that I took from this video was to stop torturing yourself with the trips down memory lane and to really remind yourself of the reason(s) you had to let that person go. But I also agree with The Conscious Vibe...you have to also start looking towards your future in a positive light. While this is much easier said than done, I know that it is a choice, and it is one that we all need to make if we really want to have the most fulfilled and abundant life. Guy Winch, thank you for the words that have encouraged and helped me today.
fjtubie (5 days ago)
While I acknowledge the pain and suffering, I acknowledge that it is exclusively me who loved and suffered. Nobody can leave me if I don't leave me. I created the idea being loved as I create the feeling of suffering. The addiction thought is valid because I hand somebody my powers. I do that because for some stupid reason I hope they can fill my gap, the hole in me, which is created by myself too. The truth is: Santa Clause ain't coming, neither the tooth fairy. So the faster I come to grips that the responsibility for myself lies in me the better. This might sound cruel, but, tell me: who created the feeling of love, being love, being not loved, being not worthy or flawed? I do, so I can create the opposite. We are all egoistic beings and that's Okay. It's not a ticket to treat others badly. And looking at the bad side of the relationship doesn't make it better. Compassion for oneself, not pitty will lead to more self-love, which in return makes me more independent.
Beadelf 81 (5 days ago)
what about if your struggling to find negatives?
Lamyss Benzar (5 days ago)
Very true, accurate and helpful. Thank you.
Paula Lara (5 days ago)
Bro. These are the types of things that make me wish I my brain was always on rational mode, almost like a robot. It was so much simpler when I was a kid or a teen.
Roberto Smith (5 days ago)
5 months, she's had it easy... how about 4 years. She wanted to be with me but I let her go cause I thought thats what was best for her. I don't ask about her and I don't search her social media. I don't want to know what she's doing.
Vivek Kulkarni (5 days ago)
Made my day, thanks.
Carolyn (5 days ago)
Thank you, Dr. Winch. Your voice is quite soothing.
Joey C (5 days ago)
I feel like the worst part is when they find someone else.
Shy Mizzy (6 days ago)
Thank you so much for the advice my best friend just replaced me so easily with a friend of mine and it was so devastating but you and Jay Shetty have helped me so much it hasn't killed me but made me stronger
Is in it weird how olmost 2 million people are trying to fix their broken hearts including me and we haven't crossed paths to help each other put the pieces back toghether? Nevermind me.. i've been heart broken for the past 5 years :(
LotusXSakura (6 days ago)
Just what I needed
Natalia Ramirez (6 days ago)
The list with the reasons why that person was wrong for me, really helped me, I read it every single day. Thank you Guy❤️
Brook B (6 days ago)
Experiencing a heart break right now and it’s so hard 😞 I find myself constantly thinking about him or wanting to talk to him but it seems like he could care less. We were together for a long time and it’s hard to see my life without him. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon.
Rachel Kim (12 hours ago)
Me too lt's so painful.. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm in pain I feel like I'm in a dark hole. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 l want to feel better.
parisjwalk (6 days ago)
I can’t do that. I need to rationalize things in order to give me comfort. Just saying to get over it will just make me go crazy. Analyzing my last 3 boyfriends let me see patterns and learn things about myself that I didn’t know and will help me better choose the next mate.
Sandy Lam (6 days ago)
“Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken” that part really got to me. This video has such good advice and really makes me feel better about myself. Thank you so much!
Rahul Saxena (6 days ago)
What if with analytical thinking and zero bias, it truly was the best relationship you could have had? the most amazing connection with anyone? What if you cannot recall any fault whatsoever? what then?
mia freya (6 days ago)
I am leaving the man I love, and he loves me back. He loves me, but not enough to spend a lifetime with me since his sister cannot stand me. The one person that should be happy for her brother found someone who would, and now is, giving her life for his. I will loose all. Myself, our time, our future, our ans... Our love... But I have to go... And we are not from some uneducated, closed up culture or place... It is just that he believes our lives can never go together because he thinks he has to ballance it all... And, despite love, understanding and a wonderful relationship, I have to leave. After 4 years of relationship and 9 years of beautiful friendship, we are lost. I don't want to fight for me anymore. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to have a family or children or someone else to give myself to. But I have to try and stay here for the sake of my parents and my dog... And it is a struggle that I know is pending... My clothes is packed, my toothbrush is waiting for the morning, my makeup is on my face, and we will kiss goodbye and suffer on the different sides of our country. The world lacks love, and we all suffer for all the wrong reasons... Thank you for the advice, but I think that what will keep me going is singing sad stories for people who still have love in fancy restaurants after work. Because I need to share my pain and my love... I don't need reply, I just needed to say something... Thx
Klara Daniaud (7 days ago)
i swear someone was looking out for me when this came on in my recommended
Doris Sanggau (7 days ago)
Dont love too much
Helping Horses (7 days ago)
he's right....hope is very destructive. 25 yrs in a marriage where 22 1/2 yrs of it was full of lies, betrayal, justification, manipulation, emotional abuse. I hoped after i caught him in his first set of affairs that it was over & he'd truly work on us, I hoped after the 2nd & 3rd sets, I hoped after his car wreck that his family would be his priority......& then again.....hoped.....all's I did was set myself for heartache again & again. Till his last set 2 1/2 yrs ago when I once again....choose & be honest with yourself before being honest with me. BUT by this time.......I was done...my heart couldn't take anymore hope or heartbreak. I actually spent most of 2017 mourning the loss of my marriage. He's still secretive when it comes to his messages. I have absolutely no trust for him......don't feel I can trust anyone now. As soon as I heal "me"....then I'll consider our marriage. If a couple is co-dependent.....there's where a lot of the problem healing comes from, because you have to relearn who you are & what you want for yourself & a relationship.
nataley oliver (7 days ago)
THEEE best Ted Talk ever !!!
rmbeavers (7 days ago)
Heartbreak would be easier for some of us if people were more truthful.  "It's not you, it's me".   "I just want to be alone right now to sort things out".  Just be honest with the person....it may seem harsh at the time, but it will save them tons of headache and stress in the future
FossilStudios316 (8 days ago)
God bless you!
Zeny Huelgas (8 days ago)
“Heartbreak is a master manipulator.” I am speechless.
Jordan Coffey Music (8 days ago)
Thank you for this.
DJ Reed (8 days ago)
4:58 is when the advice starts.
rojo beltran (9 days ago)
You’re never alone with Jesus
Gary Trueman (9 days ago)
The only 3-4% of couples experience mutual love in their relationship, they make happy couples (may be?). The rest just live together at their best, the loved one allows to be loved, no more than that. The wrong choices very often end up in separation, the loved ones leave and the loving ones grieve.
Anthony Figueroa (9 days ago)
I needed this a lot.. I wish I could say thank you
ScArred-Up Beauty (9 days ago)
He did a great job
khure (9 days ago)
So how do you fix a broken heart when the person you love dies unexpectedly. The relationship was amazing and you feel like you met your soulmate. Then it’s all over in the blink of an eye. All your left with is the thoughts of years happiness and can’t look back on anything negative. How do you fix a broken heart when a piece of you is taken and it’s no ones fault. How do you try and date again and move on when you’re still in love with that person and no one compares to them? It’s been 2 years and I’ve tried and nothing seems to help and I only seem to slip further and further into a deeper depression?
MrGhaddhab (9 days ago)
Merci, mais comme si ça suffisait pas je suis surdoué, skysophrène et bipolaire donc mon esprit est une tempête qui me décroche du monde petit à petit
Gary Trueman (9 days ago)
If someone stole the peace from your heart it's because this person occupied a place that belongs to God inside you
SoLo Vibes (9 days ago)
My grandfather just died 😭
life of intertain (9 days ago)
oh manshu didi
SYED HASSAN ZAMAN (9 days ago)
“Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken”. very beautiful..
Bing Xu (10 days ago)
My ex broke up with me 6 months ago after a five years relationship. She was my everything. I even treated her better than myself. We loved each other deeply, and committed to spend our whole life together. But she broke up with me because of her parents' disapproval of our gay relationship. Our relationship then came to the end when her parents knew about my existence and she couldn't fight for me. My heart is completely broken. I have been a walking dead for six months now. Saw so many comments in this section, lots of you experienced the similar pain. I hope everyone get better including myself.
wise doctor (10 days ago)
I wish I could like this 20 times tbh
D3ltus (10 days ago)
"Addicts know they're addicted" yes Ai du
gris withmilk (10 days ago)
I was in the middle of the street watching how my ex wife gets in the car and leaves with another man after 10 years of marriage, leaving me and my daughter. You can't love such a person, but I tell you that nothing in this universe can repair what I felt that day and never will.
Jerome Levine (10 days ago)
Time wounds all heals...
desiree montez (10 days ago)
I lost the person I love to drug addiction, there was no bad memories, only good ones. Only happiness and a beautiful future, it all happened so fast. He left so that he didn’t have to put me through what he is going to. It’s only been 4 days and I keep talking to him hoping that I can somehow come up with the right words to tell him to make him stop and get help. I can’t help him and it’s killing me
nursesteve2004 (10 days ago)
I was very briefly married to who I thought was a wonderful, loving young girl, and she turned out to be totally codependent on her narcissistic grandmother.....without even a hint that there was trouble, she left me after only 42 days, and I never saw her again. It was absolutely THE most heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me, and affected my life for years afterwards.
Jaime Lopez (10 days ago)
😔
Maxine Harper (11 days ago)
We’re going to be okay ♥️♥️♥️ Hi everyone
Kam Zeng (11 days ago)
For any sane and healthy person. The best way to get over the person is for them to spurn you. Right there, you will know that that person is not the one and they will NEVER Love you!
BIPAYAN HOME TEXTILE (11 days ago)
It’s been 2 years but I’m still trying to move on
Nekazaria FGA (11 days ago)
Thank you
Mary Claire Garcia (12 days ago)
Will try this. A three year relationship just ended. He wants us to get back together but I am just so tired of the fights every week. He was the one who broke up with me but now that he regrets it, I just want to move on.
Myke Royalty (12 days ago)
Thank you..this is what I had left to know my God self
CuietCasper (12 days ago)
I need this now...thanks guy winch for the advice.👍
C Me (12 days ago)
Thank you! I need this talk.
Abigail Ibarra (12 days ago)
After two years he was done dealing with me. It’s been two days. I’ll be okay
aamir shakil (12 days ago)
Must be right. He has got a notch on his face. Jk
Johnny Mason (12 days ago)
Don't want to get your heart broken? Never love a woman more than she loves you. Otherwise, they start taking you for granted and stop investing into a relationship.
Sir SooS (13 days ago)
This Guy: Eloquent.
BigBoiBronx145 (13 days ago)
i fuckin needed this
didyouseemybag ? (13 days ago)
What if you know exactly what you have to do to win this fight and to start a new chapter in your life, but you DON‘T WANT it right now? Like, you just don’t have the strength to fight even though you know how. When you can’t imagine the happiness you will have when you will be over it ... :( (sorry for my english I‘m from Germany 😅)
Tedis Beats (13 days ago)
My dad walked out 12 years ago, mom still talks about him sometimes, I know it breaks her heart still because they were together for 9 years so she drinks and I worry about her all the time
Stephen Martinez (13 days ago)
No
So.Nina (13 days ago)
NEEDED THIS
Jona Gabion (14 days ago)
Mine was worse than ever,he announced his engagement while I'm still waiting for him. Worse feelings ever but I need to move on, I don't have option. Life must go on,it may takes time eventually I'll be over him.
Jae (14 days ago)
I really needed this.
Jasmine K. (14 days ago)
ive had my heart broken like 10 times already ... this week too. guys don't commit today
Jonathan Rocha (14 days ago)
Only Jesus can heal your broken heart.
Miguel B (14 days ago)
Miguel sounds like me except I'm 18... I want to do software engineering too... Is this me in the future??
Nightcore Lab (14 days ago)
💔😭
Rachel Kim (12 hours ago)
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Luis Viramontes (14 days ago)
My fault

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