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How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

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At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken. Imagine how different things would be if we paid more attention to this unique emotional pain. Psychologist Guy Winch reveals how recovering from heartbreak starts with a determination to fight our instincts to idealize and search for answers that aren't there -- and offers a toolkit on how to, eventually, move on. Our hearts might sometimes be broken, but we don't have to break with them. Check out more TED Talks: http://www.ted.com The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. Follow TED on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/TEDTalks Like TED on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TED Subscribe to our channel: https://www.youtube.com/TED
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Text Comments (3208)
NiniKitty (4 hours ago)
I have a broken heart from my daughter an I'm trying so hard to move on but I find myself crying alone in the dark. This heart break is also in when you fall in love with your babies when your first have them. When you have been abandoned as a child an you have your own kids an your own children brake your heart it is also soooooo painful it almost feels like you died inside. I hope everyone who is listening an reading comments and your heart is broken an feel dead inside. Be strong you're a good person you'll get through this. Love will come your way be kind to yourself treat yourself you deserve it. Much love to you from me a heart filled person. Hugs smile laugh love you for you. This is rough already crying again.
Emil Sebastian (5 hours ago)
My boyfriend just left me 24 hours ago. Not because he didn't want to be with me, but because he had to move back to his own country. He was an exchange student and we were 'only' together for four months, but it feels like the entire foundation of my existence has been pulled away. I don't want to eat. I don't want to study. I don't want to work. I don't want to sleep but I don't want to be awake either. I spend the night with a friend and all I did was cry and sob. I'm stuck in the fresh memories of him kissing me. And just before he left to find his plane at the terminal, he said 'this is not goodbye. I love you.' How can I move on knowing that the only thing that keeps us apart is 5000 km?
Rana Ahmed (7 hours ago)
Thank you sir. I have been crying for weeks but after listening to you, i found a new sense of energy and zeal to bring my life back to track. I will win this battle.
Colm Hummingbird (17 hours ago)
Rabbit Hole of Love
nax cs:go (19 hours ago)
My heart feels like it’s dying without even being broken. Very cliche situation but I’m deeply in love with my best friend and she has no clue. I can’t tell her either she’s said on numerous occasions out of no where that we’d never date because were too close. She’s all I ever think about and I get so jealous so quick..
victor carrillo (1 day ago)
My favorite boxer just lost😭 hopefully this helps
David Flores (1 day ago)
Whos here cause your heartbroken?
Red Cape Girl (1 day ago)
After 5 years Im over it but still livin dead, great
S (1 day ago)
What if he didn’t have any faults? What if you can’t think of any? Our relationship was literally perfect. I just don’t understand. Literally going crazy cause i can’t understand what happened.
Nalina Showp (1 day ago)
It's sad to see how many people had watch this video because they want to fixe their broken hearts.
mogau mogakane (1 day ago)
I can't stop crying😢😢
Stephane G (2 days ago)
Why is it necessary to almost demonize the other person, why not just cherish those happy moments and be happy you spent time with someone who made you happy and realize that there is more than just that one person. They were one adventure, now go have another, maybe the next will be longer lasting. Also you need to examine your feelings for that other person, was it love? Or was it attachment? Do you only miss them because they made “you” feel good. If you did love them then you should hope that one day they too find someone they love.
Vanna Del Rey (2 days ago)
What about when it’s a broken heart from a best friend? It’s been almost 2 years and no explanation. She ghosted me after 5 years of being closer than anyone, but she took all our friends with her and left me completely alone. All I did was give and give and I was left with nothing. You can get a partner easily but finding a best friend? It takes time.
Ash ITGEEKY (2 days ago)
The solution is simple death . I had made it clear to myself I accepted I lost it game over I am just going to live my life wait for days each night I cant sleep I just wait until I feel so tired so that i am force too because i know the day i die :) i be happy for real no more pain
Thank you!
Amanda Gildenhar (2 days ago)
I could have used this so much during the darkest moments of my life..that honestly were those of heartbreak. No pain worse but it DOES end thank God. I was miserable and cried for over two years over a breakup. I couldn't stop mourning and I suppressed the pain with alcohol and benzos. I stalked him every day on social media and he called me every day as well because he wouldn't let me go. I finally told him to never speak to me again or my father would come for him. Its was the only way to move on. Edit: AND YOU MUST NOT IDEALIZE. SO CRUICIAL. They didn't have the most important thing even if they were 'perfect' because the 'perfect' person loves you back.
GameplaysGusGamer (2 days ago)
Its more painful when u have to end a 2,5 yr relationship even tho you love the other person and she loves u. Did this yesterday with my gf. I still love her so much just like on the day we began dating, and she's a dying breed btw. Honest, lovely, sincere, affectionate, humble, but I had to do it. I was her first love and she was mine. We are both 23, and I preferred to end the relationship for ourselves to explore other people, other places, habits, and get to know more about our own tastes. It hurts so much because our time together was peaceful and full of fond lovely memories. if it wasn't good, it would've been easier to end our relationship. (Sorry for bad English)
GameplaysGusGamer (13 hours ago)
u think so?+Julia
Julia (23 hours ago)
It's bad decision
Tejas Gathoria (2 days ago)
All of people who are suffering be God with you .
horses lyfe (3 days ago)
i have a crush on someone... a huge crush... but he doesnt even know i exist... we cant talk... and he likes someone else...
Carlos Lopez (3 days ago)
Thank you for this! Really got me through the day
JOHN ANDERSON (3 days ago)
This is spot on.  You need to keep busy when it happens.  Try to get into your work, exercise like crazy, get involved in as many activities as you can.  That's how I got through it.
Mary Golden (3 days ago)
Русские кушать?
Chrystal Boomert (3 days ago)
It’s worse when there is no bad things about that person. So in love but they must leave due to circumstances beyond their control.
Ms. Mitchell (3 days ago)
My heart is broken too and she’s moved on a couple days after dumping me. But what helps me going was hearing a quote from another YouTube. She basically said people who jump from relationship to relationship are hurt and are going to reflect that hurt on that new person in someway. The best thing you can do is be single and focus on yourself and become a better person...a healthy person....
D Ar (4 days ago)
Thank you
Old account C: (4 days ago)
This is so helpful
Summer Girl (4 days ago)
Oh God, it’s so hard. I love him and he left me after 6 months of relationship . I have too many memories...I can’t make any move without thinking of him. I can’t eat ...I cry everyday , I m feeling depressed. It s been a month since the breakup and I don t know how to get over this. It s too much pain.
ExpressYourself (4 days ago)
He is totally true I wrote ever bad thing about my ex husband on a paper and stuck to my wall because of that I moved on :)
Lena Werner (4 days ago)
This is the first time ever I feel like someone actually understands how it is and the first time something someone said about being heartbroken helped me.
MeetAndWhine (4 days ago)
What he doesn't address here is that -- we need to be in love with ourselves first! Most people don't even like themselves so how can they attract a person who will love them or be in love with them. (They usually attract people who don't love themselves either) There is a way to heal though...actually there is a 12 step program that addresses the addiction he's talking about. It saved my life, literally. I was going to commit suicide after a break up five years ago...and the withdrawal he talks about is Real. Worse than coming off of drugs or alcohol. If you're going through a break up there is help and support at SLAA. Go here: https://slaafws.org/ You are not alone! And it''s free... Now I'm in the most fabulous relationship I could've ever asked for, better than I would've asked for myself. All because of a higher power. Not only do We love each other, but we have a blast together! There is hope!!! Good luck on your journey of falling in love with yourself. Blessings! ❤❤❤
Stephane G (4 days ago)
Nirmala Singh (5 days ago)
Every word is so true. It is an addiction.
jiaxun Tan (5 days ago)
How about a broken soul?
ASE (5 days ago)
I fell in love with my friend and im so lost. I havent told her and im not sure i should. Im big on personality and when you have a good one, AND one that matches mine to the tee its hard to look at her as just a friend. Life is tuff man. If you read this i appreciate you for real. I must sound so damn stupid
Alexia Jones (5 days ago)
Djsjtj 1 (5 days ago)
18 months in and I still think about her everyday
Jennifer Williams (5 days ago)
I sign the divorce papers tomorrow for my nine year marriage... I’m not the one who wanted the divorce. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed and lost and sad and depressed...this really did help. Thank you.
Labani (5 days ago)
Wow! This was really good. Heartbreak "can significantly impair our intellectual functioning...and temporarily lowers our IQ"
brunopaivarn (5 days ago)
Ok, he told how to mend a broken heart. But how do we stop the rain from falling down?
Benhur Mantode (6 days ago)
Well even this doesn't help while at actual heartbreak lol
Amanda Morales (6 days ago)
OMG I was ghosted over a month ago with no warning or explanation whatsoever and I could never understand why I tortured myself with thoughts of him, rereading texts, messages and looking at pictures. But when he explained its like the methadone to our addiction that made so much sense. I finally had to let go. I deleted everything associated with him and blocked him on social media I am slowly but surely moving on...
hoggy522 (6 days ago)
What do you do if your ex works at the same place as you? The last 4 months its like i cannot move on, everyday my mind is being hopeful in every little communication we have to make. I am applying for other jobs as i really don't feel i can move on by staying, yet i love my current job so why should i leave?! Anyone got any advice?
neelam dhami (6 days ago)
I am working on healing now😊
Arianater 24 (6 days ago)
4 weeks ago: someone I started to get feelings for was my close friend. he always smiled at me , asked how my days were , and made me laugh at times. I had him for this class and he sits with this girl that is close friends with him and well the girl said something rude to me and disrespected me 2 days ago, so I told the teacher on her and I guess he took her side, I found out later on after crying because I got into a complicated situation at school, I found out that he had removed me on all my social media, removed me on snapchat, unfollowed me on insta and removed me from instagram and blocked me when I apologized and sent him a paragraph through instagram cause I was hurt. I opened up to him and trusted him and he just left like I meant nothing. 💔 this broke my heart. me in 2019: i'm over it ! ♥️😂 I have no memory of anyone in 2018 who isn't a part of my life. AND THAT'S THE TEA SIS ☕
hannah bree (6 days ago)
Its so beautiful 😍
Barbara Chipman (6 days ago)
here is a reality check. there are a lot of dysfunctional people in the world. do not let them manipulate you.
Rishab Malhotra (6 days ago)
toxic bitches really don't deserve any role more than an extra
Rishab Malhotra (6 days ago)
i ve been an addict and came back but this heartbreak was far more worse than anything.....but now i can relate both of them and fight it like i fought addiction
Rishab Malhotra (6 days ago)
thanks a lot sir....
maziar tab (6 days ago)
no man i focus on her negatives but it grows anyway then i fight with her all the time in my mind hahaha
Blue Bird (6 days ago)
Got broken up with last night , broken
Blue Bird (4 days ago)
+ASE thank you, I'm feeling a little better now. A little
ASE (5 days ago)
Im sorry
Tayyip Mostafa (7 days ago)
You think you are not gonna let people break your heart in 2019, yet you end up with a broken heart in the very first weeks. Anyone here who thought the same?
Abhishek Ranjan (7 days ago)
I am in love with my friend i told her about my feels and that I won't be able to be her just friend now we don't with each other i still love her can't move on what should I do
ASE (5 days ago)
Im in your same situation except i havent told her. Im fuckin lost man. Hopefully we both get our situations figured out
Armanda (7 days ago)
On one hand he tells you not to resist the breakup. Not to ask why. Naturally, because suffering comes from resistance. On the other hand, he’s telling you to resist being heart broken for long. Why resist this? Accepting one feeling but rejecting another is like saying, „this wave in the ocean is right and that wave is wrong.“ Love who you love for as long as you love them. Embrace everything you feel. If someone threw you under the bus and you still love them, then that’s amazing. Them not loving you, cannot stop you from loving them forever. So love away, my friends. Feeling „heartbroken“ is an amazing feeling. Accept that feeling. Enjoy that feeling. Never fight the way you feel. Who says love must be mutual? Even one sided love is love and can last forever. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is not a sickness that you must heal from. The title of the talk is „How to fix a broken heart?“ That question is wrong! No heart needs „fixing.“ Listing someone’s faults is pointless because the situation might be: There is no flaw he/she can have that will make you stop loving them. Loving someone who doesn’t want you is AMAZING! It’s unconditional love. It’s a love you’ll feel till you die and maybe even after. This is what I have learned from my own experience: 1. Love who you love for as long as you feel like loving them. 2. Embrace all your emotions, without discriminating. 3. Your heart doesn’t need „fixing.“ Let the heart feel what the heart wants to feel. 4. Even one sided love is love and can last forever. 5. Time will not make a love stop, if it is true love. Increase it, yes. But take it away, no. 6. A new love will not „replace“ an old love. You will still feel both. One love cannot replace another. 7. People let you down. They’re often not there when you need them. The fruits of your work and money in the bank can be more reliable than people. So focus more on establishing yourself via your work and less through relationships. Who are you? Instead of answering, „The person who loves person X“ or „the person who person X loves“, identify yourself as „the person who is working on xyz.“ 8. Nothing will/can fill certain holes. So learn to live with the hole. That hole and that scar is part of you now. Don’t wish the hole away. Don’t try to fill the hole. Just leave it alone. Maybe, just maybe that hole will ALWAYS be there. And that’s OK. 9. Suffering doesn’t have to be debilitating. It can make you more creative and productive. Harness this energy. Start writing poetry, songs, taking photos, doing sports, working harder, doing whatever your heart needs to do to cope. 10. Rejection often has nothing to do with you, rather with the person who is rejecting you. Nothing is wrong with you. Love your broken heart. Don’t try to „fix„ it.
Areej (7 days ago)
The first time I watched this video I was at my lowest point and the only thing I felt was hopeless and heartbroken. The only thought I had in mind was ”I will never get through this”. 9 months later I'm happier than I have ever been, not because my life is perfect but that heartbreak as corny as it sounds made me love myself more and now I enjoy the time I lost with the people who truly love me. Keep going! 💜
miss sunshine (7 days ago)
Peppermint Mea (8 days ago)
And what do you do if you simply can't make a list of all those negative things to remember? I've known him for long time, I do know about his flaws and I knew about them before the relationship... and now after, I'm just in pain. I had all the reasons for breakup but I still can't be mad at him or call him a wrong person.
MA P (8 days ago)
I listen to this so many times during the day as it makes me feel normal... like I’m not going insane. I have made my list and look at it constantly. Is it helping? I think so.... tiny steps forward. Doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards every so often but I am trying to stay focussed on this FIGHT! Thank you Dr Winch
Ghost001 (8 days ago)
I'd rather die tbh
__AB__ /2018 (8 days ago)
Agreed with TED 😶😏
gozalian (8 days ago)
Good one
MrPatrickRevuelta (9 days ago)
Helpful insights here, thanks speaker.
Crystal Hall (9 days ago)
I needed this message.... Truly a confirmation from GOD I decided to let go today and to stop causing my own pain! Thank you.....
Logan Schofield (9 days ago)
i know this is going to get lost in the comments but i just feel like i need to say it. i feel as though my heartbreak is kind of irrelevant since i was never in a relationship in the first place. we met about a year ago and i instantly fell for her. the problem is she never felt that way about me. no matter what anyone said, she just never felt that way about me. i spent 11 months talking to her daily and even helping her through her rough break up. when i finally told her how i felt, she said exactly what i thought: she didnt feels the same. ive been heartbroken for about 3 months now and i just ignore it because i feel like it doesn’t mean as much as a heartbreak from an actual relationship. either way, it doesnt matter. since the phrase fits: thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
Ramona (9 days ago)
He left me one hour ago..thank you for this it really helped
thenewlifeofme (9 days ago)
"As deeply as he cared about her, and he did, he simply wasn't in love"
Aviator Original (10 days ago)
Insomnia,depression,nothing to laugh about but my ex does she rejoices in my pain.
Drislady (10 days ago)
This was so good. I am genuinely heartbroken right now. I know that I'll heal but it hurts so bad. One thing I know is that if it's easy for someone to walk away from you when they claimed to be in love then they are not worth the love and energy that you're giving. Thank you for this.
Denali Lena (10 days ago)
its not you - its me
donna cook (11 days ago)
Thank you for your words of hope!
Elina Flame (11 days ago)
Ильдар отвратительного не порекомендует)
M'hmd A. (11 days ago)
This guy is good, I might not agree with his entire scope, but for the most part it makes me reflect on my tragic life.
LoveMe,com (11 days ago)
I guess for me, the best thing to fix a broken heart is, don't mention your ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend and avoid all things that make you remember him/her. The best thing you do is to make time for your family and parents.
SparkyPS (11 days ago)
Anyone else heartbroken
Bruno Foca (11 days ago)
First way to fix a broken heart never fall in love
Nina (11 days ago)
What if it was a kind of “wrong time” situation? Both of you still love each other but are in situations that don’t comply with each other’s future. That was mine; I have the reason and while our relationship was short lived we fell in love and worked out our problems and communicated so I really don’t have any bad memories of him. It was just wrong time. How do you get over that?
Caroline (11 days ago)
I have been watching Ted for 3 days now looking for answers to my heartbreak and depression and this is THE BEST information for heartbreak!
Richard de Boer (11 days ago)
Don't be absurd!!! I wish this on everyone. One cannot experience heartbreak without falling in love and one cannot fall in love without risking heartbreak. Show me a one sided coin. It is part of the human experience and part of what makes us human. Love and loss are essential to being human. Of course it hurts and of course we will survive it. Use the lessons; use the hurt to live more richly. Listen to blues music. 'Its the hurt inside that fuels the fire inside me'. The experience of heartbreak is part of the tapestry of being human. Revel in it, in the joy and in the pain and in your strength and resources.
PiyUsh SrivAstaVA (12 days ago)
Feels like someone is piercing thousands of needle in you under cold water and you can't feel it ! Half dead ! Worse than being dead
ABC DEF (12 days ago)
I'm here because my gf cheated while i was away on a cruise... wtf man... 😭
Jay D (6 days ago)
Sometimes it really do be like that but you’ll be fine
squallofreeves (12 days ago)
I know I need to fulfil the empty spaces in my life and move on but I’m afraid to, in case that person needs me and I’m not there. We were never lovers. We are always friends. I am always dependable. I know I’m not crucial to the life of my love, but damn, I make things so much easier. It pains me to think if my love needs me and I’m not there. As much as I love that person, I know there’s not even a fighting chance for us to be together. And as much as I know that, I can’t help but hope. Hope brings me so much pain. It’s as if I never learned that the pot is hot, and I touch it with my bare heart every time and get scorched and hurt to my very core. I get nervous just from anticipating how I’m going to get disappointed and hurt. I can’t sleep. I think and I ache all day thinking thoughts that would never come true. I’ve lost weight - which is a good thing but still. I can’t focus on my work or my paper, or even my friendships. I love that person with all my pathetic, desperate heart. Sometimes, scenes on the TV hurts me and I have to switch it off. Anecdotes hurt me when they remind me of that person. My heart literally hurts. Yes, physically, that part of my chest where my heart resides, hurts. I don’t know if it’s only an illusion of pain, but it feels real. Sometimes, I fear for my life. Am I going to die? When would this pain end? Would there ever be an end? I don’t want this. I want to be there for my family and friends. I want to enjoy what life has to offer. I don’t want to waste away but I can’t control myself for being obsessed with this person. I can’t control myself from thinking about this person 24/7. I can’t help but be hyper sensitive. I want to focus on something else. Should I stop seeing my love? Should I block myself from seeing my love on social media? Should I ignore the texts my love sends me? I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what to do. I know this is killing me but I don’t know how to save myself.
Fouad Bouaita (12 days ago)
Thank you sir! all true!
Emily Espinoza (12 days ago)
Thank you. This video gave me a hug that I really really needed
Mamunur Rashid (12 days ago)
Breakup is a so terrible experience! I hope,people have the courage and strength to get over their breakup... A great technique is suggested by the NLP founder,Richard Bandler,is to 'list' all the bad behaviours,characteristics of the partner in a paper. At least,ten to fifteen. And sitting quitely,remembering those negative behaviors from the list one by one. Feeling them deeply,visualizing them vividly...as if they are happening right now. Doing this faster and faster one list after another can break the 'oh,she is so attractive' mentality.....!!
Amitesh Prasad (12 days ago)
Can anyone tell me how can I talk to him please
Nura Rich (12 days ago)
Someone should come up with heart break 💊
Dezibel tobi (12 days ago)
Change the 1 year to a decade, its still the same. I met a girl that seems perfect, but i fail. I thoght i found my Personal middle befor i med her. But it seems i dont. I still hope, age is not the point... But i think it is... I dont want to fall in such a hole again and try to find my self again.
mom's spaghetti (12 days ago)
He's perfectly wrong for me..💔
Rabab Abdou (12 days ago)
I loved that lecture so much .. really I'm living every detail you said about heart breaking but now it's about 1 year and I can't heal.. I'm just falling down .. drowning .. shattered and can't get up again..
Q8Patriot (13 days ago)
Thanks Guy Winch ,, u changed my life
Muramasa GX (13 days ago)
Mahinalani™ McBride (13 days ago)
Clara Carbon (13 days ago)
This just helped me 😭thank u
XI-Glasy (13 days ago)
This saved me
Phoenix Léa (13 days ago)
ამის მთარგმნელი აშენდა და გაბედნიერდა ;დდდდ ვგიჟდები ამათ სპიკერებზე. მადლობა თქვენ.
Dana Born a Psycho (14 days ago)
“it’s clinically proven that broken hearts lower your iq” i just got dumped the week of finals
Crazy People (14 days ago)
Hay personas que confunden una relación con 'cazar' a alguien para no estar solos. Cuando las dejan, el dolor de la pérdida debe de ser insoportable. Por otro lado también hay personas que después de varios desengaños resultan más difíciles de herir porque han forjado una coraza. No todo el mundo reacciona igual cuando el amor se acaba o sencillamente no puede crecer y se estanca.
Kaden Hitchcock (14 days ago)
It’s hard because hope. Especially when the other one plays hot and cold, and you keep falling for them because you need the “fix”
Angela Beninger (14 days ago)
All the bad qualities and all the bad memories. Yes . I must remember those!!
Angela Beninger (14 days ago)
Am I addicted to heartbreak?

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